love? what is love? does any even know? no. they dont. "define love". NOT POSSIBLE. and you know what, even if what love is was known, it wouldn't change anything. because when you look into someone's teary clouded eyes and you know it's the last time you will get to do so, you dont care what the defintion of love is. you dont think, "hmm...love. that's a noun and a verb. 'a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another' according to dictionary.com..." you think, "my God. i love you so much. this can't be the last time i get to see you again..." when you cup someone's face in your hands and look upon their glowing face, you dont think, "love: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection..." you just look at them and know that you love them more than anything in this world and beyond. and thats all that matters. when your hand brushes up against their's, who cares what the definition of love is? who cares? all that matters is that time. that place. that person. and you wanna hold on. for ever. "what if love isn't enough?" you think. it is. it always is. because no matter how far you are away or for how long, you can be comforted in knowing that you know they love you. and they know that you love them. and that love will move mountains. that love will make that persons life so amazing. and even if they miss you more than anything and you miss them more than anything the force causing you to miss is love. and if that love fails, it truely doesnt fail. love can never fail because that love you once felt can keep you going for as long as you hold on to what was and will be again even if it isn't with the same person. and yeah, its hard. it's hard to forget love, or maybe its hard to remember love, but dont ever forget the power that love holds. love will change the world if you let it. and no matter how FAR AWAY or close you are to anyone, you will always be loved because i know that there are those of you out there i love more than anything, those that i dont even know in person. that doesn't matter. its like the definition of love: its irrelevant. no matter how well i know you or only how well i think i know you, love doesn't care. it doesnt matter. all that matters is what we have and who we love. smile love, it'll make my day...my year...it'll make my life. <3 ily.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Afraid of living? Life=1 Erin= Null. Mat Devine and Kill Hannah.
"Every man dies - Not every man really lives.”--William Ross Wallace
I've discovered one of my many vices: I'm afraid of living. There are so many people having adventures and getting crazy and living it up. I'm not. I'm too busy being reclusive in my own little world. Here, I'm too smart to fall for stupid lies and tricks and whatnot. I'm too wise to fall in love. Too tough to get hurt. Too seperated from everything to give a shit. So here I sit, writing to an invisable audience that lives only in my head, while I have just submerged my self so far into music that there is no way in hell to reach me. So here I am, in music, living only in my head, where it is safest. "Do you want to be safe, or live?" I want both, damnit. Why can't I have both?
I was reading the blog (http://fuseblog.typepad.com/kill_hannah/) of a man I'm in love with who has no idea I exist (Mat Devine of Kill Hannah, ladies and gentlemen) and I become engulfed, almost....possessed(? taken over?) by what he was saying...everything he says seems to have relevance to everything I've ever wanted out of life. Well, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but he has lived THE LIFE in my eyes. And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could live like him, and the less sense it all makes. Mat seems fearless, in fact, in my eyes he is. He's done it all. He's lived. Now, what he has done to "live" is entirely different from what others may quailfy "living" as. He's drank. He's been high. He's partied. He's fallen in love and been broken and healed and never fallen again. He's toured around to all the places I dream of going. He's followed his heart and dreams with a music career. Before that he majored in art. He's a beautiful individual. He's wise, but also foolishly immature (the parties). He's lived and become what I tend to see as perfect. Now, of course I want to be like him. He is my hero, but the part that makes no sense is the drugs and the alcohol. I believe that if you do that sort of thing, you will lose sight of ambition of what you wish to accomplish. You will fall into a continual pattern of drinking and drugs. Yet, look at where he is now, living how I wish I could. Maybe he too was fearful of this sort of activity at one point just like I am. Maybe that's what made him soo fearless: trying it all. Maybe not. Maybe I am just a stupid girl who is annalyzing a stupid lifestyle of a stupid rockstar and will never get to live the stupid life she's always wanted: a life without fear. I'm terrified of anything and everything. I won't drink cuz ppl can get alcohol poisioning and die. And can become and addict. Same goes for drugs. Plus, I'm already unmotivated about life the way it is, this won't help anything at all, right? But, Mat does all this, and he is happy. So if I do something of this nature, and I face it all, will I ever be happy?
I don't want to major in Biology but I am. So i can be a physical therapist. Everyone who has ever read my blogs knows this rant well, I HATE BIOLOGY. The ONLY thing that has ever made sense to me is English and Art and Music. But, as I am constantly reminded "It's not that hard. Do something that is promising. Art and Music and English are hobbies. You can do whatever you want for a hobbie once you get a real job." But I don't want that. I hate biology. I hate science. With a passion. If i switch my major, I feel like I'll be letting my parents down, I won't get a job, I'll become a bum begging you all for change and crumbs. I don't know. Should I care about all the pressure put on me by this? I do. Very much. I don't wanna wake up every morning hating life and my job and living in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Then I suppose one day I'll wake up and think about putting a bullet in my head before I go to work. No. I won't that simply won't do. I'd rather be surrounded by something that makes me want to live life, not a biology major that has already taken off years of my life in my first semester of college. God, I dont think anyone has ever obsessed about anything this triffle like I have.
Then, as every blog entry should have: love. I hate it. I hate love with a passion. I don't fall in love. I dont verbally tell people I love them. I just don't. Love is not something I feel I should be concerned with. On top of everything going on, do I really wanna even consider that aspect in life? I've dated one guy in my entire life. It hurt like hell when he cheated on me. So I gave up. And here I stand. Alone, but not broken. But on the other hand, I want love so badly. I think everyone just wants to be loved. So I have reached the conclusion that I am not "everyone". So I don't want love. I don't need it. I'd rather be wise and alone than foolish and broken.
P.S. If anyone has a clue what happened to Jon from Kill Hannah and why there is mysteriously this guy named "Tom" being spoken about, please tell me. If Jonny is gone forever, I give up. Srsly. Oh wait, only two ppl read my blog and none of which listen to Kill Hannah nor do they keep up with them. Bummer.
I've discovered one of my many vices: I'm afraid of living. There are so many people having adventures and getting crazy and living it up. I'm not. I'm too busy being reclusive in my own little world. Here, I'm too smart to fall for stupid lies and tricks and whatnot. I'm too wise to fall in love. Too tough to get hurt. Too seperated from everything to give a shit. So here I sit, writing to an invisable audience that lives only in my head, while I have just submerged my self so far into music that there is no way in hell to reach me. So here I am, in music, living only in my head, where it is safest. "Do you want to be safe, or live?" I want both, damnit. Why can't I have both?
I was reading the blog (http://fuseblog.typepad.com/kill_hannah/) of a man I'm in love with who has no idea I exist (Mat Devine of Kill Hannah, ladies and gentlemen) and I become engulfed, almost....possessed(? taken over?) by what he was saying...everything he says seems to have relevance to everything I've ever wanted out of life. Well, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but he has lived THE LIFE in my eyes. And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could live like him, and the less sense it all makes. Mat seems fearless, in fact, in my eyes he is. He's done it all. He's lived. Now, what he has done to "live" is entirely different from what others may quailfy "living" as. He's drank. He's been high. He's partied. He's fallen in love and been broken and healed and never fallen again. He's toured around to all the places I dream of going. He's followed his heart and dreams with a music career. Before that he majored in art. He's a beautiful individual. He's wise, but also foolishly immature (the parties). He's lived and become what I tend to see as perfect. Now, of course I want to be like him. He is my hero, but the part that makes no sense is the drugs and the alcohol. I believe that if you do that sort of thing, you will lose sight of ambition of what you wish to accomplish. You will fall into a continual pattern of drinking and drugs. Yet, look at where he is now, living how I wish I could. Maybe he too was fearful of this sort of activity at one point just like I am. Maybe that's what made him soo fearless: trying it all. Maybe not. Maybe I am just a stupid girl who is annalyzing a stupid lifestyle of a stupid rockstar and will never get to live the stupid life she's always wanted: a life without fear. I'm terrified of anything and everything. I won't drink cuz ppl can get alcohol poisioning and die. And can become and addict. Same goes for drugs. Plus, I'm already unmotivated about life the way it is, this won't help anything at all, right? But, Mat does all this, and he is happy. So if I do something of this nature, and I face it all, will I ever be happy?
I don't want to major in Biology but I am. So i can be a physical therapist. Everyone who has ever read my blogs knows this rant well, I HATE BIOLOGY. The ONLY thing that has ever made sense to me is English and Art and Music. But, as I am constantly reminded "It's not that hard. Do something that is promising. Art and Music and English are hobbies. You can do whatever you want for a hobbie once you get a real job." But I don't want that. I hate biology. I hate science. With a passion. If i switch my major, I feel like I'll be letting my parents down, I won't get a job, I'll become a bum begging you all for change and crumbs. I don't know. Should I care about all the pressure put on me by this? I do. Very much. I don't wanna wake up every morning hating life and my job and living in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Then I suppose one day I'll wake up and think about putting a bullet in my head before I go to work. No. I won't that simply won't do. I'd rather be surrounded by something that makes me want to live life, not a biology major that has already taken off years of my life in my first semester of college. God, I dont think anyone has ever obsessed about anything this triffle like I have.
Then, as every blog entry should have: love. I hate it. I hate love with a passion. I don't fall in love. I dont verbally tell people I love them. I just don't. Love is not something I feel I should be concerned with. On top of everything going on, do I really wanna even consider that aspect in life? I've dated one guy in my entire life. It hurt like hell when he cheated on me. So I gave up. And here I stand. Alone, but not broken. But on the other hand, I want love so badly. I think everyone just wants to be loved. So I have reached the conclusion that I am not "everyone". So I don't want love. I don't need it. I'd rather be wise and alone than foolish and broken.
P.S. If anyone has a clue what happened to Jon from Kill Hannah and why there is mysteriously this guy named "Tom" being spoken about, please tell me. If Jonny is gone forever, I give up. Srsly. Oh wait, only two ppl read my blog and none of which listen to Kill Hannah nor do they keep up with them. Bummer.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
i love these stupid little random things
IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.
7. The TITLE of your movie is the TITLE of this note
8. Have Fun!
1. Opening credits: Up Against: Taking Back Sunday
2. Waking Up: Heartless: The Church Channel: Say Anything
3. Childhood: The Girl all the Bad Guys Want: Bowling for Soup
4. First day of school: Friday, I'm in Love: The Cure
5. First day of high school: Devil Beside You: The Used
6. First Kiss: My Appocalypse: Escape the Fate
7. First Date: Miss Murder: AFI
8. Falling in Love: Wave Goodbye: Framing Hanley
9. Prom: Mad Man: Haste the Day
10. High school graduation: I'll Let You Live: Taking Back Sunday
11. College: Hot Grills and High Tops: Attack Attack!
12. College Graduation: Out of Control: She Wants Revenge
13. Life's Okay: Starstruck: 3OH!3
14. Breakdown: Six Feet Under the Stars (Acoustic): All Time Low
15. Driving: Introduction: Panic at the Disco
16. Flashback: I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes): The Used
17. Getting Engaged: Make Movement, Not War!: Peachcake
18. Wedding: Cemetery Drive: My Chemical Romance
19. Birth of a child: About Falling: Say Anything
20. First Job: Saved (Acoustic): The Spill Canvas
21. Buying a house: Prelude 12/21: AFI
22. Buying a new car: I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby: 3OH!3
23. Fullfilling your dreams: This is For Keeps: The Spill Canvas
24. Retirement: Statues Without Eyes: Kill Hannah
25. Old Age: Time to Dance: Panic at the Disco
26. Final Battle: Breathless (I.J.M.A.): Aiden
27. Death Scene: Songs that Saved My Life: Kill Hannah
28. Funeral Song: The Day I Left the Womb: Escape the Fate
29. End Credits: Dear Maria, Count Me In: All Time Low
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.
7. The TITLE of your movie is the TITLE of this note
8. Have Fun!
1. Opening credits: Up Against: Taking Back Sunday
2. Waking Up: Heartless: The Church Channel: Say Anything
3. Childhood: The Girl all the Bad Guys Want: Bowling for Soup
4. First day of school: Friday, I'm in Love: The Cure
5. First day of high school: Devil Beside You: The Used
6. First Kiss: My Appocalypse: Escape the Fate
7. First Date: Miss Murder: AFI
8. Falling in Love: Wave Goodbye: Framing Hanley
9. Prom: Mad Man: Haste the Day
10. High school graduation: I'll Let You Live: Taking Back Sunday
11. College: Hot Grills and High Tops: Attack Attack!
12. College Graduation: Out of Control: She Wants Revenge
13. Life's Okay: Starstruck: 3OH!3
14. Breakdown: Six Feet Under the Stars (Acoustic): All Time Low
15. Driving: Introduction: Panic at the Disco
16. Flashback: I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes): The Used
17. Getting Engaged: Make Movement, Not War!: Peachcake
18. Wedding: Cemetery Drive: My Chemical Romance
19. Birth of a child: About Falling: Say Anything
20. First Job: Saved (Acoustic): The Spill Canvas
21. Buying a house: Prelude 12/21: AFI
22. Buying a new car: I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby: 3OH!3
23. Fullfilling your dreams: This is For Keeps: The Spill Canvas
24. Retirement: Statues Without Eyes: Kill Hannah
25. Old Age: Time to Dance: Panic at the Disco
26. Final Battle: Breathless (I.J.M.A.): Aiden
27. Death Scene: Songs that Saved My Life: Kill Hannah
28. Funeral Song: The Day I Left the Womb: Escape the Fate
29. End Credits: Dear Maria, Count Me In: All Time Low
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
faking my own suicide
well, i write again. i'm not soo sleep deprived now, so maybe i'll be able to get something down that's remotely interesting.
.........
maybe not. idk. i'm used to writing on facebook where everyone on my friends list can read and comment. this is something else. this is like...i'm writing to myself, which is techincally like a journal. right? omg, i'm talking in my head. i dont like living in my head. thats where i spent most of highschool: in my head away from everyone else. it's a scary place, my head. nothing is right in there. and the images and the sounds are splindedly horific. haha. my thoughts are always so jumbled up and nothing makes sense. well, maybe not, but it's fun to pretend like you are someone or something else. im not making any sense am i? but i mean, think about it. there are people i wish i was like and when i look at them now they all seem cynical and bitter. and when i'm in a pissy mood, i want to be like them. i want to be sarcastic and dark and i'm not sure why. so in my head i pretend that i'm more like them in hopes of becoming that way. it doesnt really make any sense. i like being happy but sometimes the loneliness and emptyness is so inviting. and i want that. i choose it over the happy. when i'm in a bad mood, i feel like i'm in a dark hole and theres nothing that can pull me out so why even try? i just want to be left alone and find comfort in the only thing i have at that time: loneliness. but i hate it there. i love being happy and laughing and loving life. but when i'm in a bad mood, leave me there. and when i'm in a good mood, i shun the happy. it's like a teetor-tauter (sp).
ever heard the song "Faking My Own Suicide" by reliant k? it sends me into the dark sadness of loss, but it makes me feel wonderful at the same time. does that make any sense to anyone? oh Lord, i'm afraid that i'm a psychologist's dream. please, somebody don't tell me that i'm crazy. that's the last thing i want to be.
now that i have made myself sound like a nutcase...i'm out.
.........
maybe not. idk. i'm used to writing on facebook where everyone on my friends list can read and comment. this is something else. this is like...i'm writing to myself, which is techincally like a journal. right? omg, i'm talking in my head. i dont like living in my head. thats where i spent most of highschool: in my head away from everyone else. it's a scary place, my head. nothing is right in there. and the images and the sounds are splindedly horific. haha. my thoughts are always so jumbled up and nothing makes sense. well, maybe not, but it's fun to pretend like you are someone or something else. im not making any sense am i? but i mean, think about it. there are people i wish i was like and when i look at them now they all seem cynical and bitter. and when i'm in a pissy mood, i want to be like them. i want to be sarcastic and dark and i'm not sure why. so in my head i pretend that i'm more like them in hopes of becoming that way. it doesnt really make any sense. i like being happy but sometimes the loneliness and emptyness is so inviting. and i want that. i choose it over the happy. when i'm in a bad mood, i feel like i'm in a dark hole and theres nothing that can pull me out so why even try? i just want to be left alone and find comfort in the only thing i have at that time: loneliness. but i hate it there. i love being happy and laughing and loving life. but when i'm in a bad mood, leave me there. and when i'm in a good mood, i shun the happy. it's like a teetor-tauter (sp).
ever heard the song "Faking My Own Suicide" by reliant k? it sends me into the dark sadness of loss, but it makes me feel wonderful at the same time. does that make any sense to anyone? oh Lord, i'm afraid that i'm a psychologist's dream. please, somebody don't tell me that i'm crazy. that's the last thing i want to be.
now that i have made myself sound like a nutcase...i'm out.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
i'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
what went wrong? -oh blink 182. lovely.
hi! this is my blog. welcome to bloggage, man. i'm superly tired. when i'm awake i'll blog something good. haha.
hi! this is my blog. welcome to bloggage, man. i'm superly tired. when i'm awake i'll blog something good. haha.
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