faking my own suicide

well, i write again. i'm not soo sleep deprived now, so maybe i'll be able to get something down that's remotely interesting.

.........

maybe not. idk. i'm used to writing on facebook where everyone on my friends list can read and comment. this is something else. this is like...i'm writing to myself, which is techincally like a journal. right? omg, i'm talking in my head. i dont like living in my head. thats where i spent most of highschool: in my head away from everyone else. it's a scary place, my head. nothing is right in there. and the images and the sounds are splindedly horific. haha. my thoughts are always so jumbled up and nothing makes sense. well, maybe not, but it's fun to pretend like you are someone or something else. im not making any sense am i? but i mean, think about it. there are people i wish i was like and when i look at them now they all seem cynical and bitter. and when i'm in a pissy mood, i want to be like them. i want to be sarcastic and dark and i'm not sure why. so in my head i pretend that i'm more like them in hopes of becoming that way. it doesnt really make any sense. i like being happy but sometimes the loneliness and emptyness is so inviting. and i want that. i choose it over the happy. when i'm in a bad mood, i feel like i'm in a dark hole and theres nothing that can pull me out so why even try? i just want to be left alone and find comfort in the only thing i have at that time: loneliness. but i hate it there. i love being happy and laughing and loving life. but when i'm in a bad mood, leave me there. and when i'm in a good mood, i shun the happy. it's like a teetor-tauter (sp).

ever heard the song "Faking My Own Suicide" by reliant k? it sends me into the dark sadness of loss, but it makes me feel wonderful at the same time. does that make any sense to anyone? oh Lord, i'm afraid that i'm a psychologist's dream. please, somebody don't tell me that i'm crazy. that's the last thing i want to be.

now that i have made myself sound like a nutcase...i'm out.