Afraid of living? Life=1 Erin= Null. Mat Devine and Kill Hannah.

"Every man dies - Not every man really lives.”--William Ross Wallace



I've discovered one of my many vices: I'm afraid of living. There are so many people having adventures and getting crazy and living it up. I'm not. I'm too busy being reclusive in my own little world. Here, I'm too smart to fall for stupid lies and tricks and whatnot. I'm too wise to fall in love. Too tough to get hurt. Too seperated from everything to give a shit. So here I sit, writing to an invisable audience that lives only in my head, while I have just submerged my self so far into music that there is no way in hell to reach me. So here I am, in music, living only in my head, where it is safest. "Do you want to be safe, or live?" I want both, damnit. Why can't I have both?
I was reading the blog (http://fuseblog.typepad.com/kill_hannah/) of a man I'm in love with who has no idea I exist (Mat Devine of Kill Hannah, ladies and gentlemen) and I become engulfed, almost....possessed(? taken over?) by what he was saying...everything he says seems to have relevance to everything I've ever wanted out of life. Well, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but he has lived THE LIFE in my eyes. And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could live like him, and the less sense it all makes. Mat seems fearless, in fact, in my eyes he is. He's done it all. He's lived. Now, what he has done to "live" is entirely different from what others may quailfy "living" as. He's drank. He's been high. He's partied. He's fallen in love and been broken and healed and never fallen again. He's toured around to all the places I dream of going. He's followed his heart and dreams with a music career. Before that he majored in art. He's a beautiful individual. He's wise, but also foolishly immature (the parties). He's lived and become what I tend to see as perfect. Now, of course I want to be like him. He is my hero, but the part that makes no sense is the drugs and the alcohol. I believe that if you do that sort of thing, you will lose sight of ambition of what you wish to accomplish. You will fall into a continual pattern of drinking and drugs. Yet, look at where he is now, living how I wish I could. Maybe he too was fearful of this sort of activity at one point just like I am. Maybe that's what made him soo fearless: trying it all. Maybe not. Maybe I am just a stupid girl who is annalyzing a stupid lifestyle of a stupid rockstar and will never get to live the stupid life she's always wanted: a life without fear. I'm terrified of anything and everything. I won't drink cuz ppl can get alcohol poisioning and die. And can become and addict. Same goes for drugs. Plus, I'm already unmotivated about life the way it is, this won't help anything at all, right? But, Mat does all this, and he is happy. So if I do something of this nature, and I face it all, will I ever be happy?
I don't want to major in Biology but I am. So i can be a physical therapist. Everyone who has ever read my blogs knows this rant well, I HATE BIOLOGY. The ONLY thing that has ever made sense to me is English and Art and Music. But, as I am constantly reminded "It's not that hard. Do something that is promising. Art and Music and English are hobbies. You can do whatever you want for a hobbie once you get a real job." But I don't want that. I hate biology. I hate science. With a passion. If i switch my major, I feel like I'll be letting my parents down, I won't get a job, I'll become a bum begging you all for change and crumbs. I don't know. Should I care about all the pressure put on me by this? I do. Very much. I don't wanna wake up every morning hating life and my job and living in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Then I suppose one day I'll wake up and think about putting a bullet in my head before I go to work. No. I won't that simply won't do. I'd rather be surrounded by something that makes me want to live life, not a biology major that has already taken off years of my life in my first semester of college. God, I dont think anyone has ever obsessed about anything this triffle like I have.
Then, as every blog entry should have: love. I hate it. I hate love with a passion. I don't fall in love. I dont verbally tell people I love them. I just don't. Love is not something I feel I should be concerned with. On top of everything going on, do I really wanna even consider that aspect in life? I've dated one guy in my entire life. It hurt like hell when he cheated on me. So I gave up. And here I stand. Alone, but not broken. But on the other hand, I want love so badly. I think everyone just wants to be loved. So I have reached the conclusion that I am not "everyone". So I don't want love. I don't need it. I'd rather be wise and alone than foolish and broken.

P.S. If anyone has a clue what happened to Jon from Kill Hannah and why there is mysteriously this guy named "Tom" being spoken about, please tell me. If Jonny is gone forever, I give up. Srsly. Oh wait, only two ppl read my blog and none of which listen to Kill Hannah nor do they keep up with them. Bummer.